Can you ever be too old to change?

Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend who needs to totally rebrand and remodel her business. After 15 years she needs basically to start from scratch and he has very difficult time to do it so. I have started to totally changed my career and also my life choices by end of my 30s and have been called more than once crazy. At this point of “advance age” usually people make life and career decisions based on advancing further in the chosen path rather than radically new directions.

 

 Is it true, that at some point, a magic number of years of your life you are simply just too old to change?

My very own answer to this question is very clear: NO you are never too old for a radical change.  Every radical change of any kind, businesswise, career wise or life choices will set you back at the beginning and there lies the biggest problem for older generations as this type of changes demand staggering amount of energy and also self-discipline and a pinch of risk appetite. In your youth this soft skills are existent in abundance while with aging, your physical and also mental skills can regress particularly if you don’t practice and exercise. Your financial obligations and also expectation grow with time, therefore you feel you have more to lose and this is the reason why so many people are stuck in unhappy situations.  I don’t want to fool anybody here, I totally understand my friends, who are not happy with their career choice and some of them basically hate every single day when they have to go to work but want for their children to have what they consider a “great” life. I understand that they put the needs of their loved ones above their own happiness. At some degree I also admire them for this kind of behavior and yet I find it incredible sad, if somebody at the age of 40 tells me, that they are too old to start new. They will have to live a miserable life for another 30 years in prison jargon this means “life sentence”, they just build their cell all by them self.

We make our own choices, how much commitment we are willing to risk.

I can promise you even if you are very young and full of energy you can be too old for a change if you don’t want to change. If you are not prepared to make any commitment or deep inside you simply resist change, you will never make it. You will fail every single time, no matter your age. If you are my age or thinking about that you might be too old, please be kind to yourself and remember that you have already done this kind of exercise before. You have already once transformed and created a new life for you (just like everybody else who grows up) and if you have done it before you can do it again. In some ways it might be even easier as now you know more about what you like. It will take courage to  take the first step of course but once you are over this hurdle usually there is also no going back as you have already started to change and you will never be the “old me” again. If your change feels just as to big gap from where you stand, take smaller steps and the distance will become every time smaller until it’s just in front of your nose…

The 10-Minute-10Year Plan or How to map your dreams

Every now and then life happens, good or bad things force us to review our current situation and we feel upside down. It’s fine.  If you have a feeling you have totally lost control over  your life and you want to stop and pause for a minute to reassess you will find this little “road map” surely useful.

Come with me and enter the 10 minute- 10year plan. Please don’t be too serious, of course there is no way you can sort out your entire life and define your future in 10 minutes, but somewhere you need to start. This plan is for people who are at the beginning of something new and unknown.  It’s a blueprint of a life plan.

Take your time and use this 10 minutes as intensive you can. Brainstorm like your life depends on it, as it does. Be creative and don’t be afraid to dream big and write it all down, so this energy is not wasted but ignites the spark of your new fire.

• Imagine how do you want to feel in 10 years

Usually every life goal coach tells you to ask yourself other things like “what do I want to be, where do I want to live or what do I want to achieve”. These things are important! They are all valid and they will for sure become a part of your plan, but imagine just for a second what happens if these things all of sudden disappear? Imagine instead how you want to feel in 10 years, do you want to be happy or busy or active, powerful or loving or any other state of mind as you might think of. This sense of emotional goal will lead you in different directions, even possibly towards solutions and goals you would never imagine.

 

• Reflect on your past in order to move forward

10 years is such incredibly long period to envision and yet time flies. In general, we humans can see things clearer closer to us and only moving towards the destination we can recognize further details around us. Many of us, entering uncharted territories cannot imagine that certain dreams or goals can be possible, but there is a little nifty trick. It helps to look back. Take a look of what you have achieved in your past 10 years, you will get an idea  of how much have you already done even without a plan, now imagine what could you do with a purpose and tactics!. Ask also honestly yourself about thing you have NOT achieved and if you still want them and why. This reflection is no exercise in regret but to embrace your possibilities and what obstacles you have already overcome.  It will give you faith. Faith that things can and will turn out good; mostly.

 

• Be daring with your goals

There is no point in pursuing boring things; there is no fun if there is no challenge!  Dream as wild and fearless as you can. Aim as high as you can imagine, this way even if you fail and on many occasions you will fail, you have achieve half or 1/3 of incredible thing.  Have more goals you could ever possibly finish and make them fun.  Some of them will change over time and will be left behind and in some you will exceed. But make them specific. Don’t make things to general. “I want to be happy or healthy or be outside more.” This way you will never know exactly that you have reached your goal. If goals are too general you will not be able to put a precise plan how to get there as you don’t know the end of your journey.  Don’t make yourself this process too hard, it’s much easier to achieve a goal if you can create clear steps in between.

 

• Ask yourself every day 2 questions : what have I done today and what can I do tomorrow

10 years is such a long period, you will have to take it day by day and hour by hour. If you constantly ask yourself what you can do, you will come up with little “in-between-goals” towards your end of the journey. If you are not planning on a daily basis on the manifestation of such a long term goals you might get into “day-to-day” routine and nothing will change as you have a feeling you have still plenty of time. But if you don’t constantly make changes for your goals or dreams, nothing will change and in 10 years’ time all you can do is to look back and regret you have not used every possibility

 

• Track your goals

For long term goals, the period of rechecking your goals can be little bit longer then for example if you want to get in shape for a summer etc. By tracking your goals you are able to see what method works or doesn’t and which steps will  bring you closer to your plan. Make a schedule for yourself how and how often do you want to track your goals and how do you want to measure your accomplishments. This way you can recognize in timely manner where and how you might wasting time or even perhaps if your goals have changed over time.

 

• Have fun in the process

Goals are always future orientated. They are pushing us forwards that’s why they are called goals. Once we arrive at the point we imagined we will have other goals and sometimes this can be very frustrating. It could feel like you have never succeeded as you are never there, I mean at the end of the emerald road… There is a danger (especially if you are very focused person) that you are only concentrating on things you have not yet achieved instead to have fun with things you have already mastered.  This might be like your own Fata morgana, a mirage of paradise and yet it moves further away the closer you get. You have to embrace the process and also find the joy and fun in the process instead of the end result.  This one I find particular hard, but over the years I realized I love to “travel” and made it as a goal itself.

 

 

Enjoy the journey!

Where to start with a goal, if you don’t know where to start

How often do you have actually a brilliant idea or a strong wish but have no bloody clue where to start? Me? Every single time.

To achieve some goals (like losing weight) you really don’t need to be a rocket scientist, only thing required is the straightforward application of effort.  Don’t be such a wuss, get your act together and exercises and change your diet. In case of life changing transformation things get tricky. After mastering the first hurdle, to find out what you really want and where the journey ends, you also need to find out how to get there.

There are two components to this problem:  lack of effort and lack of knowledge. This is chicken and an egg situation as you can’t apply effort to achieve your goals, if you are lacking knowledge what should you be doing.

Best way how to start on a very difficult goal

My personal approach how to start, when I don’t know where to start, is just start somewhere. There is no right or wrong beginning as long it is a beginning and take it from there. As you don’t really know what kind of knowledge or skills your project or change will require you will learn while you are working on it.  There is even a scientific confirmation of my method called the Zeigarnik Effect. The Zeigarnik Effect is the tendency to experience intrusive thoughts about an objective that was once pursued and left incomplete. In plain words we are wired to finish what we started. 1992 there has been a confirmation of this research of tendencies or “need” to complete a task once it’s started.

This mechanism of effort and expanding your knowledge base is crucial in terms of moving forward. There should not be one without the other. There is no point in reading 100 Mio. books on how to do something or taking classes “how to coach” etc.,  the most important thing is to Do it AND then to learn about things as you realize you are clueless. Please don’t get me wrong, you can and should be learning about the basics prior start, but if I say basics I really mean basics.

There is of course a problem regarding this kind of approach, this process will be extremely frustrating, as it provides low instant success rate and therefore reward. To learn something new and eventually become an expert or even remotely good at something, requires practice and also several setbacks. You are dealing with a situation where you suck at something, nobody is patting your shoulder and there is not an instant perfection AND you are out of your comfort zone. I admit there are people out there who use exactly this point as motivation, but let me admit at his point: I certainly don’t belong to this group. I can’t be motivated by challenge so I usually relay on discipline. I know and am aware that eventually I will become better. I know from past experiences, that skills will improve with time.

Problem with lack of motivation is that it can kill every great start of a new life or transformation. To tackle this issue I always have 2 big projects at the same time. Usually they don’t develop at the same speed, but in many ways asymmetrical. While one project might cause me some headache the other is doing well, so I do not start to feel as a total loser.

There is one thing to mention, pursuing more than one big project at the time, don’t spread yourself too thin. This kind of developments, takes time and also quite bit of effort, so there is no way to really improve your skills, if you are taking on board too many new things. Good old fashioned practice practice and practice is worth gold, not 100 different starts and no endings.

Long story short: If you don’t know where to start; act as a first step and then start to expand your knowledge by practice and studying.

Working Sunday

Usually I give goals Reports at the end of the month but I would like to share something (as I am a bit excited) and also explain why I have missed 2 posting days..

One of my February goals was to become more professional in internet appearance, so I started to study a little bit how to program things and took some Photoshop classes. Surprisingly one of my friends saw what I was doing and asked me if I could create for their factory outlet an online shop. Her family is one of traditional women trouser producers (over 100 Years of experience) and they have not yet ventured out into the world wide web.  To cut long story short, they liked the appearance and functionality of the website so much, that they want me to build their website for the major brand as well and on top I get to coordinate their internet marketing.

I realized this is so much fun, if somebody would tell me 1 year ago I can do this kind of project I would be convinced they are utterly crazy. What I am trying to tell you that if you want to change your career or life in general you have to be open to new possibilities.  This is not just empty talk, this part of transformation is basically the backbone of the whole process.  You will never change if you stick to known territory but in order to venture out you will have to take risks and also look into 500 different unfamiliar things just to discover that 470 are not interesting at all 10 perhaps fun and the rest has true potential.

My new project is one of those with real potential as it could provide me with a real source of income and also help small and midsize retailer to compete with other brands, goods and services.  I know it’s still a long way to go but I find it incredible motivating that something, developed out of idea turned out into real life project.

I am determined to stick to my working routine ( which was part of my Feb. goals as well) but this online –shop was at the beginning quite challenging as I had to start with little knowledge, but I promise that there will be no further interruption to my blog.

Have a great Sunday!

Where and how to start to change when you are feeling stuck

I’ve noticed something very striking about the people who are complaining that they’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or “so confused”… After a while, it often becomes clear that they are much more talented and much more ambitious than average. They have something like an inner drive to constantly improve themselves.

In case you are in similar situation, but cannot figure out right now, on your own what and how to change your current situation, I would like to share some of my own steps to try.

In general when we are stuck, there is one particular life situation that causes us in our mind a problem. It serves as some sort of “roadblock”, preventing us to move forward. Every one of these roadblocks is unique but I discovered a technique that helps create a new path around those blockades. I should give you a fair warning; your mind will try to prevent you from change as we are hard wired against change, as this signals potential danger for ourselves, therefore it takes willingness and also regular practice.

Instead of focusing on the problem itself (Job, Boss, Spouse….) focus on a solution. Sounds easy right? I can tell you it’s a little bit harder as it seems. I sit down at least once a day for 15 minutes and think of possible (no matter how crazy) solution for a week. I write them down and usually at the end some are actually quite viable. Sometimes I ask people they know me and I trust, how they would solve the problem. You asking, doesn’t necessary mean to do it at the end (for all those among us who ask for advice, just to argue against it…)

Do more things you love. I enjoy going to fancy restaurants and cool hotels. Spending time there boost my energy level, which usually drop when you are feeling stuck, as unconsciously this particular problem or roadblock drains your energy (sucks the life out of you). With elevated energy levels, it’s much easier to focus on the goal and possible solution and you also have a positive mindset so you can envision possible future better.

 

Spend time in nature. Scientific studies show that natural environments can have remarkable benefits for human health. Spending just 20 minutes outdoors improves your vitality and also boosts your immune system. In general words; get outdoors you will get more zest and also get your mojo back to fight your internal roadblock.

 

 

I also sometimes forget all these 3 things, but I promise you it works. This technique helps you shift your perspective and gives you a new inside of your current situation.

If you change the way how you look at things, the things you look at will change too.

 

Give it a try and please let me know what you think, I would love to hear your experience.

Life after loss is also a great chance for a new start

At some point in our life we all experience loss and will or have to deal with grief. We wish this sharp pain will never come to our home and cause our world to fall apart, but these things happen.  If we hit that personal rock bottom we have only two choices; either to give up or to use it in order to rise like phoenix out of ashes and rediscover ourselves, our values and hopefully rebuild our life out of broken pieces to something beautiful.

I find it comforting that out of something horrible there is a power that drives us to achieve something better.

I personally had not yet to deal with a death of somebody I love ( I know eventually this will happen ) but I have experienced deep betrayal through people I have trusted and loved and honestly this hurts like a bitch. You start doubting yourself, wondering if there was something you might have done to cause such situation. My verdict in this matter states clearly shit happens !

Whatever your loss might be, it’s not your fault, people die and people lie, you might prevent situations but not the outcome as you cannot control others. Only thing you can control is how you deal with your loss and how you choose to heal your wounded heart.

STAGE 1               grief fully and unconditionally. Allow yourself to fall apart for certain period of time. I know that people get angry if others start telling them after a while, they should move on (although in your mind it still feels like it just has happened) but there is a profane truth in this. If you grieve too long and too hard, all your thoughts circle around this moment of your life, there is no light coming through that darkness you are creating inside your head.

STAGE 2               decide to take back the control over your life. This can be done in tiny little steps, as trivial as listening to cheery music (sounds silly) and going to new places, to create new memories and impressions.  It will help you control your emotions again rather your emotions controlling you. The further away we move from being the person we were, when a loss occurred, the less pain we experience. Don’t wait for time to heal you. Time does not heal all wounds; only action can do that. You must say new words, have new thoughts, make new friends and add new experiences if you want to discover your new identity. Letting go of the past might be the most terrifying and difficult thing to do but staying in the past and just going over the events of your loss will not help you rebuild your new life and discover your new identity. Allow yourself to feel proud of new accomplishments and remember that it is not disloyal to your loved one to enjoy new activities or set new goals for the future

3 Main Reason why people radicaly change their lives

I often wonder what exactly made me snap and decide to abandon my old, comfortable life and seek transformation into the person I truly want to be in order to live the life I dreamt about. Wow, this is a long and complicated sentence, just like there a various way that lead us to our personal path of change…

After a few months of research and own observation  I came out with 3 simple life situations where radical change is possible and even probable, otherwise someone will never even dream about.

1. Something incredible positive happened.  After amazing and radical event like marriage, your dream job, a kid or new business opportunity your life turns upside down.
2. Something incredible negative happened. Experiencing death, loss of any kind like bankruptcy or divorce and the person literally hits rock bottom.
3. Nothing at all happens.  No matter what you try or do, you are stuck in your life, there is absolutely no progress and you feel like nothing ever will change until you die.

What all these 3 events have in common is that they significant and radically effect and influence your daily routines and force you rather to move according their lead. One becomes a puppet played by strings of somebody else. In general people are not comfortable with change as everything new has been hardwired in our DNA as potentially life threatening and it just takes time to adjust and get familiar with the new situation, but all above mentioned stages of life have already inflicted some sort of change and we have 2 choices how to deal with it. Change or not to change.

 

You would think that in the first situation somebody has no reason to look for help, to t cope with transformation but plenty of this people ask themselves “ why am I not happy, I have everything I ever wanted…”  seems  like some ungrateful creature! Others would kill for what you have etc.. Some people even get full on depression in the situation, following a positive event, called dysthymia. This is a mood disorder and women are more likely to suffer from it than men. Clinical psychologists report, that in most cases those prone to dysthymia are often successful, intelligent people who don’t appear to have any obvious reasons for feeling unhappy.

If you hit in the face with a particular nasty event your usual reaction is the promise to yourself, that in future you would do everything what you can to prevent this thing happening to you ever again. In case of death this might be quite unrealistic, but I have seen people who promised themselves never to let anybody close enough, so they would not feel such a pain again. Most people dwell and grieve in their current situation, but a few of them take this opportunity to radically change them self. As a rule of thumb you can say that pain and fear can be good motivators, especially if your desired outcome has positive effect (like choosing a healthier lifestyle or spending more quality time with your loved ones)

The overwhelming feeling of being stuck in our life was my own personal reason of radical change. We all struggle with this kind of mindset sometimes, but some of us decide to change this in more proactive manner. I could not accept that this would be how I feel for the rest of my life. This particular reason, of being stuck in life might need the biggest internal push as there is no obvious outside reason, that gives you the nudge but when I saw the saying, no reason to stay is a good reason to go it was like something hit me..

No matter why people decide to change or transform their lives, it helps to understand where they come from in order to pick the right tools for their personal change. Every transformation has 2 major characteristics it takes time and courage.

Networkingproblems

I gave up my friends and acquaintances. This sounds harsh right? Usually this makes you a bad friend. Perhaps this is true, but transformation is mostly about new and that often means out with the old…

When I started my own personal journey of change I realised that majority of my friends (and I mean friends) did not understand me. I have been surrounded by people, who lived the life that I wanted to give up. Their values and interest have been fit for this particular life and I simply could not find anything  we had in common. This got even worse, we started to disagree on most trivial things as my own values shifted.

I still think fondly of times I spend with those people, but I don’t regret my decision to step away from them. This shift has created a very particular problem. My whole network has gone. Let’s be honest: “If done right, meeting more people leads to more business and career opportunities, which leads to meeting more people and more business, and so on.” without network things are getting more difficult.

If could give a piece of advice to anybody, who is in similar situation “create a new network before abandoning old one”

I am an extrovert person, but I was never a connector. I was very comfortable in my own network, but I never pursued new connections as deep down I always felt like this was not my world and those people are not really the people I am interested in.  Truth is, sometimes I still don’t know who sparks my interest really.

I wonder how to network if I don’t know this.

This is the advice smart people (experts) are giving me

• Start with existing ; hmmm
• Define who you want to talk to, be selective
• Have an elevator pitch
• Follow up

Well, this doesn’t really work for me.  I think this advice is great for people who want to expand their own comfortable world. In times of major transition networking proves to be more challenging.

How to build up a network after and while you transform your life; basically how to network when you don’t know anyone

• Define what is the goal for you and find 3 people who are close to this goal ( online or in real)
• Study those people and see if their approach can help you; try and ask them for advice
• Make this elevator pitch ( not to pitch in real life but to pinpoint your goals for yourself)

This might not be the most elaborate strategy but it’s a start ( my own start) and you know how they say

ADIEU GUILTY PLEASURE

As you can see on my new page “Goals” this month I really want to get rid of my sweet tooth.

I don’t want to lose weight (I am athletic), but eating that much sugar affects me afterwards in many not that pleasant ways.  Even during eating that whole candy bar I feel I should stop but somehow I have to finish it. Afterwards I feel like I left myself down, that I am week but what’s even worse after 10 minutes I am suddenly so tired I either have to eat more or I fall asleep.

How I want to break  particular guilty pleasure

• Name it

  I am not overeating on all sugary things. I have found out that I eat a WHOLE pack of something. This is usually chocolate or Magnum (ice-cream) or digestive biscuits. I love cake and cream too, but I have no issue there to have only a small amount and stop eating it.

• Timing

  I have found out that I eat sugar either after my 2pm coffee OR late evening. Exemption of the rule applies if I start my day already with something sweet in the morning. In this case I crave sugar WHOLE day.

1. Buy smaller portions of my favorite “sin”. Instead of buying 5 pack of ice-cream (it’s a bargain) buy only a single item.
2. No stockpiling; I buy only once a week and only 1 item. There is no reason to have 10 chocolate bars or pralines in the house. If I have guest I will make appropriate arrangements
3. Eat before hunger kicks in: plenty of times at the evening I would eat instead of proper dinner these snacks. I am already so hungry that fixing up my healthier choice takes too long.
4. Create a healthy replacement: I eat because I am craving energy, not because I am bored. My choice of super quick fix is to have a prepared green smoothie in my fridge. I will make more from my breakfast and drink this as replacement
5. Distraction: once I feel like I have to have that kick, do something unpleasant but not difficult. Even if I afterwards get my sweets every time prior to that I need to do something I dislike. This way I get at least another win. My choices here are vacuum cleaning (takes about 10-15 minutes) or Ironing or cleaning bathroom sink. No harm in having this done every day.

I have figured it out that after a few days the cravings are gone, sugar has also some addictive tendencies which in my case means more I eat more I want. But it takes a VERY short period of time to get rid of this side effect.

I hope this helps all other sugar munching people out there and get rid of one not necessary good habit and move you towards a healthier and vibrant self.

hello new good habit goodbye old bad ones

Recently I have been busy reading plenty of self help books in order to understand basically how to walk this path of change. My advice? Don’t reed too much. They are all experts and they have all different opinions. How confusing. Oddly they are coherent at one point. It takes 3 weeks to form a new habit. And I disagree. Now what? Am I wrong? Are they wrong? For some particular reason I am not able to create a brand new “good for me” habit in this period of time. Is something wrong with me?

First things first. I can ditch old bad habits easy. I personally also believe, once you have mastered a certain level of self-discipline, you have enough will power to give up habits you consider as bad. In my 20s I was a horrible strong smoker. I developed this nasty habit out of a stupid impulse ( started at 18!) and carried to smoke up to 3 pk. a day! Mostly this was due to stress at work and lack of time for proper meals, but actually for certain period of time I enjoyed smoking as well. I quit overnight. No books, no hypnosis and no acupuncture. I woke up one day and decided I rather eat used cat litter than smoke again.  I broke a 11 year of a bad habit and plenty of ritualized behavior just by a promise to myself.

But If I want to create a better habit I somehow don’t have any will power at all. How is this possible? Let me get an example here

Due to severe food allergies I have changed my diet to Paleo based principles. I ditched the grains and please be aware that I am a huge pasta and bread eater, but since January I have not touched it anymore and I found it very easy. I also want to eat more vegetables instead of fruit as the fruit sugars give me spikes in my energy levels and sometimes, especially if I am exercising too  much, leaves me with a sudden fatigue. Apart from this. an increase of vegetable would give me other, very much needed source of iron.  Since January I am trying to achieve this… Not possible! If I go shopping my whole card is full with all sorts of fruits or juice and there would be a very meager selection of lonely vegetables. Like somebody else has been putting this tutti-fruity-party  into my card. But I have a feeling I was looking only at vegetables. This game is going on much longer than 3 weeks.

So you experts: here is my verdict, it takes more than 3 weeks to form a new habit. Even if I am an exemption of your rule ( there must be more) I am also convinced that people should be told, that it is OK if creating anew habit doesn’t work in one month. What if somebody is really willing to change but after 3 weeks still sees no results? Important is to keep going.  It took me more than 1 month to drive my car as routinized as I do now….

On a side note; the origins of the 21 day rule is based on a research of Maxwell Maltz. In his Psycho Cybernetics, he is looking into perceptible change in our mental image in general. He observed that it requires a minimum of about 21 days for and old mental image to dissolve and a new one to jell. His observation was based people adjusting to loss of limbs after surgery or feeling at home in a new environment. This does not correlate to forming a new habit.

I shall keep on trying to win over more vegetable friends, and if it takes me years…