Will you still love me if you don’t get everything you want?

I often realize, that people really  believe they are loved and respected only if they give others 100% of what those ask for. I think this is such a huge mistake.  I was more than once surprised, how much of positive impact and even true friendships I could make by being “uncomfortable” at least. Usually I make very clear how much I am prepared to give and when I have a feeling that others are walking over me. Of course we all have moments in life, where we give in towards people, even if we know better. There will be situations in your job, with your children or parents and even with friends, where they will put their interests above yours and you will give in because of fear not to be liked or even loved.

So big question here : “if I don’t give you everything you want, will you still love me?”

As mentioned above , this situation can also occur in your professional environment, regardless of your position. I had bosses so afraid not to be liked that there was no real leadership, which was even worse than too much “tough love”. Nobody likes a wimp!

Why is it so? The general feeling in society is that if someone is too nice, that’s a sign of weakness, perhaps even a sign of desperation. People automatically start to take advantage of this, not always even intentionally! Let me give you an example here, my former boss made 2 bad hires and he also quickly realised that this hires would not bring the much needed results in an urgent matter. Despite many people asking him to cut the ties and get rid of those 2 people, he could not bear the conversation with them as both have become just fresh fathers and he could not “put them on the street”.. Those 2 guys have not only failed to perform ( and whole team as well), but as they were senior members of staff, they also hired wrong new members and the result was that the whole team fell apart, as everybody was frustrated and many original members (top performers) left. Just aside EVERYBODY , even those 2 guys hated the boss. There’s a key lesson here for any leader. Nice is only good when it’s coupled with a rational perspective and the ability to make difficult choices.

Similar situations also happen every day in your private life. How often have you let your friend get away with things, where you would normally put a stop to it? As our relationship  get more complex or even emotional, we are too often afraid that other person would love us less or perhaps even go away if we don’t do everything what it takes to make this person happy. There are a few repetitive reasons why we behave like this, like low self confidence or self-esteem or even guilt and shame but at the end of the day there is only one answer to the question above. YES; they will still love you, perhaps even more when you stop behaving weak and you own your space and also behaviour (including wishes and needs). You don’t need to be rude or very hard on them, but firm and consequent in your actions and they will get message very quickly ( children and pets  are the fastest pupils).

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own wishes and boundaries, you will see people will respect you more and you will become sort of a prize for them to be with you or around you as we all tend to gravitate to strong and confident personalities.

 

Motivation and Emotion: what a couple

Some say achieving your goals has nothing to do with discipline, but is all about finding and tapping into your motivation. I disagree. I believe that motivation and self-discipline should be like a perfect couple. They complete each other and are a perfect team. One without another gets you only half way through this journey called life.

If we paint this figure of speech, Motivation would be the light or the spark to create a vision of you in future.  Can you get motivation on daily basis?  As I have stated in my post “little odd thing called motivation” there are 5 elements of motivation but I will try to explain motivation a little bit more detailed and scientific way.

Many researchers are now beginning to acknowledge, that the factors that energize behavior are likely different from the factors that provide for its persistence. They also say that Motivation is actually one of the most important factors related to learned behavior. No such behavior occurs unless is energized. The results of the recent research state clearly that this process is linked to emotion. There are several theorist like Thayer or Newman,  who explained that emotions are linked to state of motivation in such way, that we people tend to execute things only  if we hope they will lead us to positive emotions like happiness, satisfaction or arousal. Basically we could say that the state of emotion is a reward and end result of motivation as a reason. Now this sounds a bit complicated right?

This is how I understand it:

Very simple. Right?  Motivation is a starting point for your actions, so if you stop your actions (like training) you need to start again. If you understand that your motivation is linked with your emotions and you struggle to find motivation; you could perhaps tap into your emotions. One way would be to daydream about your goal, your brain would get at least a picture of how you want to be and also start your desire to progress. For me: watching inspiration movies (for all those who aren’t that much into reading) has a similar effect. If I see a true story on a screen about somebody, who fought and won their personal battle in a short period of time ( the movie last no more than 2 hours) it gives me a burst of energy. It reminds me, as those movies always show you, that you need to go and do something. These movies all end on a high so it also gives me a feeling almost like I have achieved my goals. So this is my nifty little trick to get motivated when I don’t want to be motivated.

Try it out.

How to deal with frustration

We all know it. You want something and no magic fairy comes around and serves you on a silver platter. You try and try and try and your frustration level is rising until you reach a point when you blow!

This reaction can have 2 outcomes; you give up and convince yourself you never wanted this one thing anyway or you use the anger and push yourself beyond that point, but in the process you hurt people that might be helpful. Now both results suck!

Big question is how not to get to a point where it is  “all or nothing” outburst and yet still get what you want. In this case you buddy have to learn how to deal with frustration.

1.  Be prepared to fail. First thing first: when you set your eyes on the goal, picture yourself not to have it. Picture yourself what happens afterwards. I assume you will not die in agony and be burned alive. Then go and get it. Not the agony but your goal. At the point when you will reach a certain frustration level ask yourself is this the worse possible thing that will happen.
2.  Breathe. When emotions are pending up  our body usually responds with shallow breath, which doesn’t give our brain a hell of lot of choices. Make a habit of breathing your tension away. For me it worked wonders. I had serious anger problems as I was dealing with reluctant idiots ( excuse my french) on a daily basis. I discovered the exhale /inhale method helped me to respond to them in more tactical ways.
3. Celebrate mid level goals . For many goal-oriented people it’s hard to acknowledge small achievements. They are very focused on the end result    (which is important) but totally miss that they have already moved significant way towards that goal. I am one of this people. Even after I have got what I want ( after many battles ) I don’t take time and celebrate nor enjoy that achievement. I move on to other goals and that leaves me again in a limbo of frustration as I am not there yet. I had to teach myself when dealing with frustration to remind me  where I have started.
4. Physical exercise. This sounds unrelated to the above topic, but when your body has a chance to release pent up energy, this will actually refill your batteries. During physical exercise your brain also creates new neuron paths and who knows,it might give you a new perspective how to tackle your problem

You will not always be able to deal with frustration. But if you follow those steps you will not come to a point where you will damage your long term goal. Like many things in life a certain “blindness” takes practice and you will need patience with yourself, with situations and also with others, but it gets easier with every time you master it.

Ultimate cheat sheet how to become a better person

Everybody  wants to change for better. We should celebrate  improvement.  That’s what I want. I want to be better. I want to have better life, better relationships, be better at my skills and finances and of course I want to be a better person. I don’t think that anybody has ever  made an attempt to become worse. You might have a goal to become a super villain, but again you will have to improve and become “better” in many things as there are millions of really good villains out there…

10 Steps to become better person

1. Will to change; you need to make this decision. You have to acknowledge your starting point and decide to do and be better. Even great personalities like Dalai Lama or Mother Teresa worked on themselves. Every improvement starts with the will to do something better, to change the status quo.
2. Drop the excuses; there will always be something in your way. Mostly it will be yourself. Quit blaming the circumstances. World does not stop and make amendments for you. Never.
3. Control your emotions; most things we did, that we are not proud of are based on impulsive responses to a situation. This can be our eating habits, hurting people, bad decisions and never end insist of other things. Learn how to control your emotions. You will need self discipline to do so, a lot because it’s so easy to be wise with others and so hard to be wise with your self. You see things concerning your own persona through an emotional fog. This is not necessary bad, but learn how to control your emotions so you can make better decisions.
4. Play a role model; start behaving like the person you already want to be. Be an inspiration for others. If you want to loose weight start doing all things you want to do, when you ” lose weight” … If you want to have a better job, start be loving your current job, so you know how it feels to have a great job.
5. Forgive; at least 1 person in a week. This is a practical lesson how  to let go. It clears your path to move forward. It changes not the past but it will be easier every time you do. We all make mistakes. You too.
6. Listen to people; this is a tough one. Listen actively. Don’t listen competitively, which means that you just wait for them to get you to a point where you can top their story. Listen, but don’t judge. If they ask you for advice , this could be your chance..
7. Be honest; always be honest. Be honest to yourself and to people around you. You might be not the most popular person in town, but this grows your credibility. Beware, between honest and rude it’s a fine line. It takes practice not to cross it.
8. Do something you don’t want to do on a regular basis. Pick a time frame. My time frame it’s usually a month. I chose 4 things this month I don’t like to do. I try to do them and yes sometimes I fail. At the end of month I look at my list and if I am able to cross of all of the things I guarantee you that feeling makes you feel like a small superhero. Please don’t list things like ” bring the trash out”, more things like clear out the attic or apply for a job way above my pay grade. The example of the job needs further explanation; most probably it will not work. But perhaps it will. It doesn’t matter. You push your boundaries. You learn every time something new and next time you will do it will become easier.
9. Read on daily basis; newspapers, books and blogs. Pick topics you are  not interested in. Even if it feels like a chore to read about 3d printing or quantum physics or home decorating it will give you a rudimentary knowledge of topics and you will be able to talk with people about. You will become interesting person and you will meet new people and new inputs. And if it goes well, you will even find new things interesting you never knew that they exist.
10. Never, never stop to become a better person. Strive for improvement on daily basis. Ask yourself every day is this how it’s done and how can I do it better.

Outside the box

This well-known phrase refers to think differently, unconventionally or/and from a new perspective. The ability to do so can be seen as a tool to create new habits and different mind-sets to tackle existing problem. One of my main Objectives for my future self is Financial Freedom and Independence. I have been at this point of financial freedom already, while working in investment banking, which provided me a very healthy income, but it came with a hefty price tag called DEPENDENCY instead of Independence. My values shifted and I simply can’t go back there so I need to find a new way to create the state of both. In order to do so, I need to change my perspective. This means to use the tool of “out-of-box-thinking”.

The starting point would be to challenge my mind-set. I need to figure out how I can use what I am now to become what I want to be, but using different ways. As I have never seen nor walked this ways the major question here is how to find them?

Let me start a little experiment, which I failed to be honest, but it shows you how blind we can be:

A man and his son are on a hiking holiday and they both have an accident while on the cliffs. The father is taken to the clinic for minor injuries while his son has been whisked to the operational theater urgently. The surgeon quickly arrives on the scene and after seeing the boy says “I am unable to operate on this patient. He is my son”

How is this so?

You know the answer? Well I didn’t until I looked it up. The surgeon is his mother. Same reality, different view…

How to think outside the box?

1. Daydream: our subconscious tells us what and where we can already imagine ourselves. It is possible, at least for our brains to see us there at this point. Don’t underestimate the value of imagination. The brain is the hardware; our mind is the software to run our self towards the goal. So get your mind to work. Program it accordingly.
2. Eliminate negativity: our thought affect our behavior, therefore also the results aka consequences. In real life this means we prime ourselves with our cognition to be motivated to do things (take chances) – or demotivated.
3. Imagine worst case scenario: what’s the worst case that could happen? Our mind is master to imagine 100 deaths you can die, 95% of it will never happen, but if you think about the possible ones you are prepared do deal with it if they happen, mostly you will realise that they are just imagination of your mind.
4. Study another industry: my whole working experience I have been around financial people. Looking at other industries with remarkable success stories provide you a new way of structuring your career

This are just first steps towards new perspective. Even quantum physics confirms

“reality doesn’t exist until you look at it”

But beware; I find it overwhelming to think of endless possibilities as it will keep you in some sort of blank spaces where it’s very difficult to make a decision of further steps. Set parameters. Good way of marking the edges of your bigger box would be location, time frame and budget.

This is my way how to tackle outside box thinking but perhaps somebody has a better idea?

my treasures

As I am busy writing my goals one thing became clear to me. They say love drives you to do most incredible things and I wanted to write down everything and everybody I love in terms to define my goal of ” Treasure and preserve things you love” But what exactly would it be on this list ..

 TOP 5 THINGS I LOVE

1. my family; unconditionally and no matter what. I don’t agree with everything and everybody but family comes first
2. myself; unconditionally and no matter what. Most people would not say it out loud, but we often forget to love our self
3. my home; this is a place where you can be what ever you are
4. my friends, friendships are such enrichment that you can never, ever have enough friends, true ones of course
5. material things I own, not everything but I buy the most exquisite things I can afford

I know that to love a BMW sounds not right, and perhaps the word love might not be the appropriate one but would be used only in context of a relationship. But for me it means that I have worked hard and selected this particular object of desire to enjoy and take care after, therefore the basic principle is the same.

Based on this 5 areas of my personal treasures I can now go on and focus on goals to enjoy them longer and better. They should be a source of personal strength and therefor also happiness.

They and my interaction with them will create memories and by the end of our journey memories are ones most precious treasures.

Goal setting for beginners

Some might wonder about my topic choices, but I assure you I have a plan..

Once a week I pull out my (“took me so long EM sheet”) and check where I am on my path to the change I want. Last week it was all about discipline; but all the discipline of the world will not bring you any step further if you don’t know where would you like your journey to end. So this week should be about defining and setting goals.

How to set a goal BEGINNER LEVEL

1.  define long term vision
2. write it down
3. break your goal into smaller steps
4. define deadlines
5. go and start

Real life example

•  treasure and preserve things you love as long term vision
• definition of “things you Love” : My family, me as a person, my friends my flat, my car etc…
• treat your loved possessions with care and respect (spend more time with family; help and enjoy them OR clean the car regularly OR eat healthy ….)
• I wanted to improve the relationship with my brother: in 3 months time I want to find more things we have in common and see him more often. Find out if he needs any help somewhere, what does he like etc…
• He needs to re-do his tired and old kitchen. I went and checked prices and put some proposals together.

Things you need to consider while setting your goals:

Use S.M.A.R.T. method , it stands for : your goal need to be specific, measurable , action orientated, relevant and track able. Its also important to set your priorities and spend as much time as necessary there, be precise in goal definition as otherwise you cant measure it. As an example “To be happy” is a great overall achievement, but in my personal opinion, it can never be a goal. I have also experienced,  that the most powerful tool in goal setting is to write those down. You might have always on your mind that you want to loose a few pounds but if its there, written on 1.1. of this year and you look at it now you will realize that you need to get going… After you achieved a goal take the time to enjoy it, you worked hard and you deserve it.

here is my EM matrix, so you can get some inspiration for your goals: EM donotdare

Practice Discipline

“Mastering others is strength, mastering yourself is power”

                                                                             Lao Tzu

One of  the basic steps on my way to a better person is practice discipline and patience. It is part of the fundamentals of every change as it is human that we avoid things that are unknown or uncomfortable. Discipline and patience gives you the tools to improve your skills on desired area and transforms the unknown task or situation into familiar.

Like every craftsman needs to master his trade by repeat practice you can train and practice discipline. Self discipline is a learned behavior. Here is my self discipline plan

1. set yourself a task and do it for 5 min ( you can finish the task if you want)
2. schedule the most important task like its business appointment and start on it, no matter what
3. visualize the end result and revisit it daily

I tend to do exercise discipline best in the morning ( as I am general a morning person) but my mind and intentions are also fresh which helps me with motivation. Be aware that you will have to fight against your self. You will find so many reasons to put things of. One of the rules here should be ” DO IT NO MATTER WHAT”. Keep your goals short term ( can be part of a bigger goal) and repeat, repeat and repeat the exercise. Things will be easier with time. Also bear in mind that you will slip. Its not the end of the world, its human. The strength is to start again.

How to let go of things I held so dear

One of my most urgent and important task is to let go of the past. In order for me to move forward towards Growth and Expansion ( on all levels) I need to make a clean slate. The past has such a huge influence on my present thinking, that it would be impossible to change my patterns and behavior.  Its just a little bit like clearing out your wardrobe to fill it with brand new clothes. I don’t think,  that you need to eliminate everything but attachment to things (spiritual, behavior and material) is often the major obstacle of change.

Again back to Basics, how to let your past go?

There has been a sea of books and millions of articles on this topic. Please find my top 5 articles on how to let things go here.  Funny enough a  family movie, the Lion King, made things clear for me. It’s the scene where the monkey hits Simba with a stick… “The past doesn’t matter. Even if it still hurts, you cannot change it”. Your past can be amazing or horrible, the fact that you decided to make a change means already it’s not present nor future and that  it’s time to say goodbye.

3 STEPS TO LET GO 

• Acknowledge

Take a good look at what and who you were. This includes your physical appearance, mental  & spiritual state as well as your financial situation

• Make peace

Write down who you were and what you have learned. Example I was a city banker, earned $0.5 Mio.  p.a. and traveled the world to find a place where I could not be bored. I had issues sleeping and haven’t seen my family more than twice a year. I was attracted to people with cocky behavior and empty promises.

• Define your future

If there are things you want to keep from your past include those. Write down the things you want to let go, the ones to keep and things you want to be. Burn this paper and start to shape your present with future in mind.