How to start your morning

How do you start your mornings? Do you choose the healthy option including fruit and other sensible food  or do you belong to the group of people, starting their day with coffee and (I hope not) cigarette?

I belong to the first group, mainly out of the necessity, due to my various allergies but also because I am aware that if I want my body to function at its best I also give him the best possible fuel. This understanding of my own needs of course took some time and I had horrendous breakfast choices in my life. But how do you start your day mentally? I found myself guilty of   checking  my phone and my email first thing in the morning ( very often still in bed) very often Facebook and then moved towards newspapers, where I read about death of 13 years old by other 13 years old or war or accidents.

There was one particular nasty morning start; a bunch of bad emails with nothing but problems on ongoing project combined with what it seemed like terrible night for this world. This made me feel already grumpy and depressed, while not even changed out of my PJs. Here was the time where I decided to take a similar approach to what I take in mentally first thing in the morning as I do automatically physically. There were and still are two problems to this dilemma. First of my issues would be that every single newspaper you choose is full of bad news. Perhaps not 100% bad but the general media coverage is about some sensational horror. It looks like good news are scares nowadays. My own solution to this dilemma was to create a flipboard magazine, where I “flip” interesting and inspiring but also up-to-day news or I listen to inspiring podcast first in the morning. There are some brilliant podcast out there, which make my mind breakfast as nutritional as my actual breakfast and I can start my day on a positive and productive note.

There are various researches confirming, that your mind rules your emotional perception and therefore also your productivity. I mean even FB asks you “what’s on your mind” first thing in your morning, this si how valuable this information can be… I am not advising other people to hide away from the reality, I do know that horrible things happen and very often we should be aware of everything there is around us, but I ask people I to pay attention and be selective what they let into their mind.  Here is theory for you guys: There is absolutely no benefit for me to know that a murder (no matter how gruesome) has happened, if they have the perpetrator. I cannot help the investigators to understand this particular crime or be useful in any other way.  I can also not change the past by knowing it happened, therefore I cannot prevent the murder.  Therefore there is actually not a single reason why this should be in newspapers at the first place. One possibility that could happen, this crime could inspire me as it sparks some phantasies ( this is just hypothetical). I think that the increase of violence and also the intensity of cruelty is due to abundance of media coverage and therefore the function of a role model.

If you read about great leaders and their morning rituals you will discovers that their focus is rather specific. First thing they do in the morning is to concentrate on internal mental state.

The result of my own experiment? 100% better start into the day. I am convinced; perhaps you can give it a try as well.

Are women and men different regarding determination?

On today’s international women’s day I can’t help but wonder are we really all the same? I hope not. While I am all in for equality in terms of life and work choices, political and economic power, I am convinced life would be would be such a dull place, if we all would be cut out the same cloth. Differences in our abilities actually result in the best possible outcome, if we work together and they also make our world a little bit more colorful.

There is one thing that bugs me though… I think women are more often less determined then men.

To illuminate my theory I was looking at the amount of female entrepreneurs in this world and to be fair also in the success rate of my guilty pleasure, TV reality shows like the biggest looser or extreme weight loss. At first this both examples have nothing in common, but both require enormous amount of dedication. I don’t believe  for one second, that women are not capable to come up with a brilliant business idea or understand how important it  to have a healthy life style especially if there is your life at stake, but why is it that yet so many choose the easy path and quite halfway. Is it in our genes? I find it remarkable how men can put their mind into something, then follow the rules to last dot and of course succeed at the end, while we women have internal discussion about the validity of some rules and often we are also very forgiving towards our mistakes. Is that a bad thing?

Is it possible, that women’s have the ability to empathize better, even with themselves and could this be possible reason why the quit earlier? Please don’t get me wrong, there are millions of women on this earth that are the exact opposite of the picture I am painting here, they come from poor and humble backgrounds and yet they manage to create and provide for themselves and for their families better life by taking on multiple jobs, by pushing hard on education and other things. I suspect that if there is no extreme need, men are more likely to strive for improvement. There might be also a slight chance that the cause of this dilemma still roots in our society, where we women somewhere deep in our hearts believe still think that men provide for us and our lives…

I don’t know the answer to the question why men appear to be more determined,  but I hope that I can take some inspiration from them and who knows perhaps determination is like a muscle, more you use it the stronger it gets.

The 10-Minute-10Year Plan or How to map your dreams

Every now and then life happens, good or bad things force us to review our current situation and we feel upside down. It’s fine.  If you have a feeling you have totally lost control over  your life and you want to stop and pause for a minute to reassess you will find this little “road map” surely useful.

Come with me and enter the 10 minute- 10year plan. Please don’t be too serious, of course there is no way you can sort out your entire life and define your future in 10 minutes, but somewhere you need to start. This plan is for people who are at the beginning of something new and unknown.  It’s a blueprint of a life plan.

Take your time and use this 10 minutes as intensive you can. Brainstorm like your life depends on it, as it does. Be creative and don’t be afraid to dream big and write it all down, so this energy is not wasted but ignites the spark of your new fire.

• Imagine how do you want to feel in 10 years

Usually every life goal coach tells you to ask yourself other things like “what do I want to be, where do I want to live or what do I want to achieve”. These things are important! They are all valid and they will for sure become a part of your plan, but imagine just for a second what happens if these things all of sudden disappear? Imagine instead how you want to feel in 10 years, do you want to be happy or busy or active, powerful or loving or any other state of mind as you might think of. This sense of emotional goal will lead you in different directions, even possibly towards solutions and goals you would never imagine.

 

• Reflect on your past in order to move forward

10 years is such incredibly long period to envision and yet time flies. In general, we humans can see things clearer closer to us and only moving towards the destination we can recognize further details around us. Many of us, entering uncharted territories cannot imagine that certain dreams or goals can be possible, but there is a little nifty trick. It helps to look back. Take a look of what you have achieved in your past 10 years, you will get an idea  of how much have you already done even without a plan, now imagine what could you do with a purpose and tactics!. Ask also honestly yourself about thing you have NOT achieved and if you still want them and why. This reflection is no exercise in regret but to embrace your possibilities and what obstacles you have already overcome.  It will give you faith. Faith that things can and will turn out good; mostly.

 

• Be daring with your goals

There is no point in pursuing boring things; there is no fun if there is no challenge!  Dream as wild and fearless as you can. Aim as high as you can imagine, this way even if you fail and on many occasions you will fail, you have achieve half or 1/3 of incredible thing.  Have more goals you could ever possibly finish and make them fun.  Some of them will change over time and will be left behind and in some you will exceed. But make them specific. Don’t make things to general. “I want to be happy or healthy or be outside more.” This way you will never know exactly that you have reached your goal. If goals are too general you will not be able to put a precise plan how to get there as you don’t know the end of your journey.  Don’t make yourself this process too hard, it’s much easier to achieve a goal if you can create clear steps in between.

 

• Ask yourself every day 2 questions : what have I done today and what can I do tomorrow

10 years is such a long period, you will have to take it day by day and hour by hour. If you constantly ask yourself what you can do, you will come up with little “in-between-goals” towards your end of the journey. If you are not planning on a daily basis on the manifestation of such a long term goals you might get into “day-to-day” routine and nothing will change as you have a feeling you have still plenty of time. But if you don’t constantly make changes for your goals or dreams, nothing will change and in 10 years’ time all you can do is to look back and regret you have not used every possibility

 

• Track your goals

For long term goals, the period of rechecking your goals can be little bit longer then for example if you want to get in shape for a summer etc. By tracking your goals you are able to see what method works or doesn’t and which steps will  bring you closer to your plan. Make a schedule for yourself how and how often do you want to track your goals and how do you want to measure your accomplishments. This way you can recognize in timely manner where and how you might wasting time or even perhaps if your goals have changed over time.

 

• Have fun in the process

Goals are always future orientated. They are pushing us forwards that’s why they are called goals. Once we arrive at the point we imagined we will have other goals and sometimes this can be very frustrating. It could feel like you have never succeeded as you are never there, I mean at the end of the emerald road… There is a danger (especially if you are very focused person) that you are only concentrating on things you have not yet achieved instead to have fun with things you have already mastered.  This might be like your own Fata morgana, a mirage of paradise and yet it moves further away the closer you get. You have to embrace the process and also find the joy and fun in the process instead of the end result.  This one I find particular hard, but over the years I realized I love to “travel” and made it as a goal itself.

 

 

Enjoy the journey!

Working Sunday

Usually I give goals Reports at the end of the month but I would like to share something (as I am a bit excited) and also explain why I have missed 2 posting days..

One of my February goals was to become more professional in internet appearance, so I started to study a little bit how to program things and took some Photoshop classes. Surprisingly one of my friends saw what I was doing and asked me if I could create for their factory outlet an online shop. Her family is one of traditional women trouser producers (over 100 Years of experience) and they have not yet ventured out into the world wide web.  To cut long story short, they liked the appearance and functionality of the website so much, that they want me to build their website for the major brand as well and on top I get to coordinate their internet marketing.

I realized this is so much fun, if somebody would tell me 1 year ago I can do this kind of project I would be convinced they are utterly crazy. What I am trying to tell you that if you want to change your career or life in general you have to be open to new possibilities.  This is not just empty talk, this part of transformation is basically the backbone of the whole process.  You will never change if you stick to known territory but in order to venture out you will have to take risks and also look into 500 different unfamiliar things just to discover that 470 are not interesting at all 10 perhaps fun and the rest has true potential.

My new project is one of those with real potential as it could provide me with a real source of income and also help small and midsize retailer to compete with other brands, goods and services.  I know it’s still a long way to go but I find it incredible motivating that something, developed out of idea turned out into real life project.

I am determined to stick to my working routine ( which was part of my Feb. goals as well) but this online –shop was at the beginning quite challenging as I had to start with little knowledge, but I promise that there will be no further interruption to my blog.

Have a great Sunday!

Research about how to charm everyone you meet

Today’s Valentine’s Day inspired me to write about how we meet and interact with strangers and loved ones. In my past some people told me that at first they thought I am extremely arrogant and were genuinely surprised after we met how wrong their point of view was. I never intended to appear unapproachable or arrogant so it hurts every time somebody tells you this is how you look.

Charisma is the ability to attract, charm, and influence the people around you. There is no need to be everybody’s darling but if there is a way to boost your charisma skills this would and will open doors in your life and make it much easier to achieve your goals.

Research has determined some of the key elements of charisma. Some are related to style (and personality), and may represent the “born” part of charisma, while other elements are behaviors that are acquired, developed, and honed over time.

“The charisma myth is the idea that charisma is a fundamental, inborn quality—you either have it (Bill Clinton, Steve Jobs, Oprah) or you don’t. But that’s simply not true, as Olivia Fox Cabane reveals. Charismatic behaviors can be learned and perfected by anyone.”

Olivia Fox Cabane has lectured at Stanford, Yale, Harvard, MIT, the Marine Corps War College and the United Nations. She originally developed similar techniques in Harvard and MIT. According to the book, comes down to embodying three simple qualities: Presence, power, and warmth.

I have not read the book yet but it is for sure on my “to read” list for this year as I am not always as charming as I should or want to be. During my banking time I was doing many sales roadshows and dealt with my fair share of unpleasant people where it was difficult to still be charming, while in your head you just wished this cockroach of a person could be squashed from the earth. So far I agree that charisma can be practiced and also that it becomes more natural behavior over time. I am clearly not an expert on this particular field but one thing but I know for sure; in order to be very “attractive” for others you need to put them in your spotlight. There is nothing sweeter for somebody than if somebody is genuinely interested in their life.  I started to pay attention to every word that comes out of someone else’s mouth. Imagine you’re watching a movie or reading a book and you’re slowly learning about the main character.  Listen and don’t constantly think what your answer to this story could be. Some people I know have this annoying habit of “story-topping”.  They might ask you a question or are just join ongoing conversation and then they top every story.  This people used to drive me nuts, but I have figured it out that mostly very empathetic people behave this way. They want to show you that you have something in common and I started to see this as a form of flattery.

In general I would say: “be the good, sincere person that you are and people will love you”, but there is no downside to use some of the resent research and improve your skills on this particular field and this people will ADORE you. This is what I intend to do. Have a great Valentine’s Day!

Resist temptation

If you Google “resist temptation” you will get hit by 1 Mio pages. Everybody tells you how to do it and while most of them are religiously drafted a very few are proper clear instructions and would work for me.

Today I don’t want to give you any advice how to resist temptation, just some words to remember

A mistake repeated more than once is a decision.

Every time I am tempted I remember this. Everything starts with your choice of what you want and unfortunately temptation breeds more temptation which means 1 slip might not lead you away from your goal, but in simple math your way towards your dreams becomes longer. I personally find it incredible hard to resist temptation. I have no issues to control things like food or having a daily discipline for sport. I find it very hard to control my impulses when it comes to human relationships. This can mean all sorts of things, choice of my partners, behaving disrespectful (gossiping) or even sometimes judging others. I figured it out that I am not particularly good in resisting temptation in the heat of that very moment therefore I rather avoid it all together. I started to abstain from situations where I could be tempted. With time you build something like a wall of defense by simply not letting temptation enter your house and after a while you forget all about it. That’s what I call passive resistance.

My vision is to build my own house of a person I want to be and that the foundation and the walls of my house will be natural barrier for the temptation, which is all around us. My whole process of transformation and change makes me ultimately architect of my own destiny and just like the profession of an architect, nobody masters it from the very first beginning but hey as long as you get your foundations right everything else falls eventually into the right spot.

I am not naive or stupid; I know that you cannot avoid temptation all together. I am not even sure you should resist everything at all times, sometimes temptations teach me about my secret wishes I am not ready yet to admit. Nevertheless I want temptation to be invited to my home as a guest rather than intruder. This is what I meant by I avoid it until I have a place surrounded by strong values and deep understanding of who I am and what I want to be.

I know this picture sounds corny but temptation feeds of your emotions and stronger emotions you can hold against it, easier it will become to lough at anything that will hold you back from your dreams.

Do 30 day challenges really work?

Have you also seen all this 10, 20 or 30 day challenges? Did you ever wonder if this thins work or why are they called like this and why on earth they go 10, 20 or 30 days?

As I have started to use Pinterest more frequently for motivation and inspirational purposes, I stumble across those boards and pins all the time.

Visit Donotthere’s profile on Pinterest.

I could not help but wonder what is behind this hype. Currently thinking and speaking a lot about courage also made me wonder if doing this sort of challenge would help me practice to strengthen my courage muscles.

The most research about challenge and pushing yourself over “tipping point” has been done of course on the physical field and is related to exercise but I believe it also relates to mental “flexing of muscles”. There is some scientific research that shows that actually your body is designed to prevent you from “giving it all”. The major blame for this type of sabotage is in the molecule called adenosine. It plays a vital role in biochemical processes, such as energy transfers and its believed to play a role in promoting sleep and suppressing arousal. Adenosine is normally present in the extracellular fluid in most tissues of the body, including the brain, and its level increases dramatically following hypoxia or ischemia. The rate of adenosine production is enhanced when the energy demand is larger than the rate of energy supply. The adenosine levels rise over your day until at the peak this state is probably responsible to make sure you fall asleep at the night and recover. The molecules attach to the surface of brain cells and in plain words, tell them to “chill out”, just to make sure you have some energy left, if grave danger would jump out of nowhere and you would need to run for your life. Au contraire, the caffeine uses the same cell receptors to prevent this from happening so it works as a stimulus.

Good news here, you can improve your adenosine tolerance by millions of little small steps over your base point, where your mind (not your body) tells you I am tired I need to stop. This applies not only to physical but also to mental exercises. If you keep on constantly pushing and expanding your comfort zone also your level of effort will decrease therefore your body will not treat this type of activity as exhausting as it feels the first times and levels of adenosine in your body will not spike dramatically.

So looking at my research I would say that this challenges work, not in a way that you create a habit but as a strengthening exercises and I would like to put my theory in practice so I choose to make an experiment on a physical and also mental side. As part of my overall 2016 goal I want to reduce my body fat percentage (I want to build up more muscles) therefore I need to be exercising more in muscle building way. So far all my physical exercise has been cardio related, like swimming and running. I don’t particular enjoy this type of sports but that’s why it’s called a challenge and on the mental side I want to do every day something uncomfortable, I think this one might be as challenging as the physical one but we will see. My challenge should be 20 day. Let’s get started.

 

Where and how to start to change when you are feeling stuck

I’ve noticed something very striking about the people who are complaining that they’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed, or “so confused”… After a while, it often becomes clear that they are much more talented and much more ambitious than average. They have something like an inner drive to constantly improve themselves.

In case you are in similar situation, but cannot figure out right now, on your own what and how to change your current situation, I would like to share some of my own steps to try.

In general when we are stuck, there is one particular life situation that causes us in our mind a problem. It serves as some sort of “roadblock”, preventing us to move forward. Every one of these roadblocks is unique but I discovered a technique that helps create a new path around those blockades. I should give you a fair warning; your mind will try to prevent you from change as we are hard wired against change, as this signals potential danger for ourselves, therefore it takes willingness and also regular practice.

Instead of focusing on the problem itself (Job, Boss, Spouse….) focus on a solution. Sounds easy right? I can tell you it’s a little bit harder as it seems. I sit down at least once a day for 15 minutes and think of possible (no matter how crazy) solution for a week. I write them down and usually at the end some are actually quite viable. Sometimes I ask people they know me and I trust, how they would solve the problem. You asking, doesn’t necessary mean to do it at the end (for all those among us who ask for advice, just to argue against it…)

Do more things you love. I enjoy going to fancy restaurants and cool hotels. Spending time there boost my energy level, which usually drop when you are feeling stuck, as unconsciously this particular problem or roadblock drains your energy (sucks the life out of you). With elevated energy levels, it’s much easier to focus on the goal and possible solution and you also have a positive mindset so you can envision possible future better.

 

Spend time in nature. Scientific studies show that natural environments can have remarkable benefits for human health. Spending just 20 minutes outdoors improves your vitality and also boosts your immune system. In general words; get outdoors you will get more zest and also get your mojo back to fight your internal roadblock.

 

 

I also sometimes forget all these 3 things, but I promise you it works. This technique helps you shift your perspective and gives you a new inside of your current situation.

If you change the way how you look at things, the things you look at will change too.

 

Give it a try and please let me know what you think, I would love to hear your experience.

Springclean your friendships

There are some People in life that make you lough a little louder, smile a little bit more and be make you a happier Person! Friends are truely one of most essential things in life, their role has far more influence on us than we would expect, so choose them wisely. Wheather you might realise it or not, even those that are not anymore in your life have shaped you as you are today. We all tend to to gravitate towards People with similar interests and Backgrounds and yet we all also have a few so called toxic friends, sometimes just aquintances, that are draining all our energy and so not worth your time. Every one of us has a different Definition of toxic friendships but here is what I consider a bad friend:

1. Ghost: Those friends when you are together you have a really fun time and then out of nowhere they don’t return your calls, they never initiate a contact or even forget to replay if you answer any of their questions… To be honest this type I hate the most. I consider this type of behaviour being incredible rude !
2. Mr. Negative: People who allways moan how difficult their life is, the world is cruel or start every sentence with words “the Problem here is..” I mean it feels like going to a teaparty in a public toilett! We all have bad days, sometimes perhaps weeks but please don’t turn sour.
3. Mrs. Me, myself and I: this trio doesn’t need a friend, they need audiance and let’s be honest they are not that interesting at all. I think that in a friendship we all should shine and be on stage from time to time,but we should take turns, I am not buying tickets for a Show I din’t ask for!

I grew up with the saying

 Show me your friends and I tell you who you are

Well; I don’t want to be any of above mentioned individuals, so every year I springclean my closet AND my friendships. My standards for a friend are very, very, very high.  He or she has to be a really decent person and funny and interesting and supportive and so many ANDs more. On the other side I try to be all those Thing to my remaining friends and sometimes I promote People I just met to the level of a friend.

Hire, fire and promote

• I start to make a list of People I know and consider friends and aquintances.
• I recall past year and their role  inn my life
• if one person has failed down my list for a second year in a row I get rid of them, even if those people have been in my life for a very long time.

How you do it doesn’t matter. I personaly don’t explain myself, I just stop calling or taking calls. To explain this behaviour I need to mention, that I give everybody a chance by telling them allready during the year that I am not happy by the way how they behave…

One friend (still on my list/ demoted.. ) has once told me, that this way of a springclean is cruel and my expectation of people are too high. Here is my answer to him and to everybody else: “I am not prepared to lower my expectations, not for me and also not for those people I call friends. All my friends will get the same level of positive energy, my unconditional Support and Love but I expect nothing less in return.

This is what I call a win -win situation.

Will you still love me if you don’t get everything you want?

I often realize, that people really  believe they are loved and respected only if they give others 100% of what those ask for. I think this is such a huge mistake.  I was more than once surprised, how much of positive impact and even true friendships I could make by being “uncomfortable” at least. Usually I make very clear how much I am prepared to give and when I have a feeling that others are walking over me. Of course we all have moments in life, where we give in towards people, even if we know better. There will be situations in your job, with your children or parents and even with friends, where they will put their interests above yours and you will give in because of fear not to be liked or even loved.

So big question here : “if I don’t give you everything you want, will you still love me?”

As mentioned above , this situation can also occur in your professional environment, regardless of your position. I had bosses so afraid not to be liked that there was no real leadership, which was even worse than too much “tough love”. Nobody likes a wimp!

Why is it so? The general feeling in society is that if someone is too nice, that’s a sign of weakness, perhaps even a sign of desperation. People automatically start to take advantage of this, not always even intentionally! Let me give you an example here, my former boss made 2 bad hires and he also quickly realised that this hires would not bring the much needed results in an urgent matter. Despite many people asking him to cut the ties and get rid of those 2 people, he could not bear the conversation with them as both have become just fresh fathers and he could not “put them on the street”.. Those 2 guys have not only failed to perform ( and whole team as well), but as they were senior members of staff, they also hired wrong new members and the result was that the whole team fell apart, as everybody was frustrated and many original members (top performers) left. Just aside EVERYBODY , even those 2 guys hated the boss. There’s a key lesson here for any leader. Nice is only good when it’s coupled with a rational perspective and the ability to make difficult choices.

Similar situations also happen every day in your private life. How often have you let your friend get away with things, where you would normally put a stop to it? As our relationship  get more complex or even emotional, we are too often afraid that other person would love us less or perhaps even go away if we don’t do everything what it takes to make this person happy. There are a few repetitive reasons why we behave like this, like low self confidence or self-esteem or even guilt and shame but at the end of the day there is only one answer to the question above. YES; they will still love you, perhaps even more when you stop behaving weak and you own your space and also behaviour (including wishes and needs). You don’t need to be rude or very hard on them, but firm and consequent in your actions and they will get message very quickly ( children and pets  are the fastest pupils).

Some people can’t be pleased and some people won’t be good for you – and many times that will have nothing to do with you. You can always say no to unnecessary crazy. Be confident and own your own wishes and boundaries, you will see people will respect you more and you will become sort of a prize for them to be with you or around you as we all tend to gravitate to strong and confident personalities.